Oddly enough it was the whores. Walking down the street, hoping for their trick money. I wonder how come the police can't tell who the hookers are? I could clearly tell. Clear acetate high-heels, check. Some sort of large teased bangs, check. Hot pants, check. Not moving across the street when the crosswalk sign changes to "go", check!
I mean, it was real easy for me to see what was going on...maybe I should be Police. Clean these streets up like Rex Banning...
I wanted to take a picture of one, but I thought maybe she would want like $5 and I definately was not going to hand over money for fear of mistaken intent. I'd probably get arrested in the dumbest sting ever...Besides, if I'm going to spend $5, she better be taking me to the back alley behind the Blockbuster for an HJ...
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
Back from California...
So, I'm on the plane, heading back to Minnepolis. I arrived early to the airport and checked in, asking the ticketing agent for a window seat, and apparently because I'm some kind of 28 year old miser, i also asked to be in a row by myself with a window seat. I figure if I'm going to spend a couple hundred bucks on the flight, I may as well be picky about my seating. Plus, the flight was a red-eye, so I'm thinking I can lean back agains the window and catch some shut eye.
I'm reading my book (Moneyball, fucking awesome...) quietly in my seat after being one of the first ones on the plane. Here comes, crashing down the isle, a family of two parents, a grandparent, and like 5 kids all under the age of 14 (or therabouts, who can tell how old kids are these days? Thanks to Miley, we got 11 year olds taking self pictures in their underwear and posting them online...I'm getting sidetracked). One of the kids sits down in the row, one seat over from me. Everyone gets settled, and I'm still plugging away on my book. So, the kid starts saying to his father that he wants a window seat so he can look out the window (never mind it's 7:30 PM and cloudy--what the hell are you really going to see after the first 30 seconds). Rather than the dad giving up his wondow seat in the next row, or even asking me to give it up, he tells the kid to "ask the guy next to you, I am sure he would give up his seat". I don't say a thing. I am reading my book and hoping the kid doesn't ask me the question. Because, I unlike most people, am not affraid to tell a kid to shut the fuck up about a window seat. That shit wasn't in the cards for him. Then the grandma looks at me and says "maybe he won't give up his seat because he seems to be ignoring us". And in my head I am thinking smart grandma, how come she had such a stupid fucking son?
Now, usually I don't mind kids, I may even want to have some one day. But just because YOU have kids does not mean the I have to take care of them for you...
I slept like a baby on the flight, I even got to see some lights as we landed. Suckers...
I'm reading my book (Moneyball, fucking awesome...) quietly in my seat after being one of the first ones on the plane. Here comes, crashing down the isle, a family of two parents, a grandparent, and like 5 kids all under the age of 14 (or therabouts, who can tell how old kids are these days? Thanks to Miley, we got 11 year olds taking self pictures in their underwear and posting them online...I'm getting sidetracked). One of the kids sits down in the row, one seat over from me. Everyone gets settled, and I'm still plugging away on my book. So, the kid starts saying to his father that he wants a window seat so he can look out the window (never mind it's 7:30 PM and cloudy--what the hell are you really going to see after the first 30 seconds). Rather than the dad giving up his wondow seat in the next row, or even asking me to give it up, he tells the kid to "ask the guy next to you, I am sure he would give up his seat". I don't say a thing. I am reading my book and hoping the kid doesn't ask me the question. Because, I unlike most people, am not affraid to tell a kid to shut the fuck up about a window seat. That shit wasn't in the cards for him. Then the grandma looks at me and says "maybe he won't give up his seat because he seems to be ignoring us". And in my head I am thinking smart grandma, how come she had such a stupid fucking son?
Now, usually I don't mind kids, I may even want to have some one day. But just because YOU have kids does not mean the I have to take care of them for you...
I slept like a baby on the flight, I even got to see some lights as we landed. Suckers...
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Direct from the Desk of Sid
...It's a good bet the Gophers spring football game will be played at the University of St. Thomas....
Great. Thanks for the update. I'll be sure to buy my non-existant tickets to an event which may or may not be held at a particular location. Time TBD.
Other venues that would hold enough people that may actually want to watch the Gopher Spring Game: Mall of America parking lot, Metrodome, Richfield VFW, my parents backyard.
And i would love to see vegas start offering lines on this kind of thing. Odds that the game is at St. Thomas 2:1 (according to Sid), odds that the game is held in my backyard 14:1, odds that nobody knows any of the players on the gophers 1:1
I ask again, why the editors at the Strib continue to print worthless pieces of information just to fill column space. I'm wondering if they ever think about how their medium is failing, and if they ever came to a conclusion that crap like this may be the reason.
Great. Thanks for the update. I'll be sure to buy my non-existant tickets to an event which may or may not be held at a particular location. Time TBD.
Other venues that would hold enough people that may actually want to watch the Gopher Spring Game: Mall of America parking lot, Metrodome, Richfield VFW, my parents backyard.
And i would love to see vegas start offering lines on this kind of thing. Odds that the game is at St. Thomas 2:1 (according to Sid), odds that the game is held in my backyard 14:1, odds that nobody knows any of the players on the gophers 1:1
I ask again, why the editors at the Strib continue to print worthless pieces of information just to fill column space. I'm wondering if they ever think about how their medium is failing, and if they ever came to a conclusion that crap like this may be the reason.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Antony and the Johnsons at the Pantages
I had the privalege of seeing Antony and the Johnsons play over the weekend and I must say that it was one of the best live shows I have seen. I have been a huge fan of Antony's for the past few years, so I was terribly excited when I saw he was coming here (Thanks to Dan for a great birthday gift). Most people I know wouldn't enjoy Antony, I am not sure I did at first. But the more I listened to his entirely unique voice, and how it interweaved with the strings and piano around him, I became hooked. I find it is a completely different experience every time I listen to him. And every listen brings out something I had not previously heard.
In any case, the point of this small entry is to encourage anyone who is interested to check him out. Youtube has a couple of great performances, I am partial to his Letterman rendition of "You are my Sister" you should be able to see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R3CYVLcYZw or an unbelieveable performance of "Hope There's Someone" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loNU4fVpO8E You notice how he has to stop playing, breaks down in the middle of the song. As if he cannot control his emotions inside. You can tell you are watching an inredibly personal experience, one that makes me almost emberrased to watch. As if i shouldn't be allowed to see something so close to his heart...
*UPDATE* there is a pretty good, if not comprehensive, review of the concert here http://www.culturebully.com/antony-and-the-johnsons-pantages-theatre-02-14-2009
That is all for now, I hope you enjoy...
In any case, the point of this small entry is to encourage anyone who is interested to check him out. Youtube has a couple of great performances, I am partial to his Letterman rendition of "You are my Sister" you should be able to see it here http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_R3CYVLcYZw or an unbelieveable performance of "Hope There's Someone" http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=loNU4fVpO8E You notice how he has to stop playing, breaks down in the middle of the song. As if he cannot control his emotions inside. You can tell you are watching an inredibly personal experience, one that makes me almost emberrased to watch. As if i shouldn't be allowed to see something so close to his heart...
*UPDATE* there is a pretty good, if not comprehensive, review of the concert here http://www.culturebully.com/antony-and-the-johnsons-pantages-theatre-02-14-2009
That is all for now, I hope you enjoy...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Charley Walters and Sid Should Make Love
Let's head on over to the east side of the river, in order to prove the Pioneer Press is not the only company that lets bad writers put their horrible ideas in print...I give you Sid Hartman...
One thing favorable about the Timberwolves' future is that everybody is signed through at least next year except Rodney Carney, Rashad McCants, Jason Collins and Kevin Ollie.
So, if I understand Sid correctly: Everyone is signed after this year, except for a quarter of the team. I know Sid is older than Moses, but I would think he could do the easy math needed to subtract 4 from 12. Unless his abacus is broken. I suppose we can't expect those born during the Great Depression to also know how to use a calculator...
By my estimation that leaves, Brian Cardinal, Mike Miller ,Sebastian Telfair, Craig Smith, Ryan Gomes, and Al Jefferson signed to contracts after this year. I don't know if Sid has ever seen an NBA game, I will assume he has not since nowhere in the history of basketball could this situation be considered "favorable".
One thing favorable about the Timberwolves' future is that everybody is signed through at least next year except Rodney Carney, Rashad McCants, Jason Collins and Kevin Ollie.
So, if I understand Sid correctly: Everyone is signed after this year, except for a quarter of the team. I know Sid is older than Moses, but I would think he could do the easy math needed to subtract 4 from 12. Unless his abacus is broken. I suppose we can't expect those born during the Great Depression to also know how to use a calculator...
By my estimation that leaves, Brian Cardinal, Mike Miller ,Sebastian Telfair, Craig Smith, Ryan Gomes, and Al Jefferson signed to contracts after this year. I don't know if Sid has ever seen an NBA game, I will assume he has not since nowhere in the history of basketball could this situation be considered "favorable".
Sunday, February 8, 2009
Funny Lines, and the Rappin Rappers that Rap Them
My goal was to come up with my top ten favorite Rap lyrics. As I started to make a list of possible candidates I decided, after 5 pages, that bundling all rap into one list might be too difficult to do. And how exactly was I supposed to rate them? Coming up with no quantifiable way to rank them, and really not wanting to spend days arguing with myself if Cee-Lo’s verse in I Refuse Limitations was all that much better than Biggie’s Somebody’s Got to Die. I decided to go with the most humorous lines I love. After all, I feel that Rap music is rooted in the battle rap. Say something funnier, more creative than the last M.C. just did; make the people say wow! Like Maximus in Gladiator, win the crowd and you shall have your glory…
Let’s start off with a line that always gets me from the underappreciated Rick Ross. Anybody that can make a whole album about selling coke has to be a little creative, right?…
I got hoes in Memphis
hoes in Maryland,
White girl in Carolina let's call her Carol-Anne
Rick Ross, This is the life
For some reason the mention of “White people” always gets me in rap. It’s like we, as a people, have finally reached the big stage…Tony Ya-Yo has a lyric about white people rolling up their endo that always kills me too. It didn’t make the list because the rest of the lines are pretty stupid.
The next one from Naughty by Nature is a favorite of mine from growing up. 19Naughty3 was the first rap album I bought with one of those little Parental Advisory Warning stickers on it. To me, those labels always looked like they should be the flag on the Major Label pirate ship. I digress…Naughty’s first album was so full of hilarious diss and battle rap, I could have probably made a top ten list with just the one album, This is Treach at his funniest…
You say I diss you hard after I did you fine It ain't my fault,
it's just your face looked mighty different in the daytime
Treach, Thanks for Sleepwalking
He said she was ugly in the day, tell me that shits not funny…
You could also make a case for an entire top ten list for the next rapper, Method Man. Probably one of my top three rappers of all time, dude’s got punch lines for days…
You know me,
everytime you kiss that hoe you blow me,
You blow trial tryin to walk a mile in my Saucony’s
Method Man, Chamber Music
I swear to God, every time I am shopping at Kohl’s and I walk by their shoe department I repeat that line in my head. It has been a gift and a curse.
Kanye West always has some funny lines. Even though the guy is crazy now, singing through machines and trying to be Bono, his lyrics show why he's one of the most creative artists out there. At least he takes chances. It was tough to decide between his lines about his miracle whip and this…
Aaron love to raw dog, when will he learn?
Caught something on the Usher tour and had to let it burn
Kanye West, Gone
which gets the slight nod because I physically laugh when I hear the sing-songy way Kanye delivers it.
The next two I’ll just give you in bulk, both of these get me to smile, nothing too deep there…Luda definitely makes me laugh, maybe the definition of a punch-line-rapper…
Ain't nothing but a G-thang,
baby it's a G-thang
Bounce like you got hydraulics in your G-strang
The game, Let’s Ride
From yo' car to a crap game, no one rolls wit'chu
One of Mini-Me's shoes got more sole than you
Ludicrous, Hip-Hop Quotables
The next rapper is probably the most slept on M.C. out there. He hasn’t been too active lately, but I will put his flow up against anybody else from New York. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Jadakiss…
I knew this chick named Superhead,
she gave super head,
moved into my building and even gave the Super head.
I know it doesn’t really rhyme, but who cares? Half of what Jada raps doesn’t rhyme in the traditional sense, but he makes it work through his cadence. It’s a lot harder to pull off than just spittin out sun/fun/run/gun/stun…
The next one is from 50. I tell ya, no rapper has disappointed me more than him. His career was once so promising with raps like this…
I'll rob Pun without a gun
snatch his piece then run
That ni**a weigh 400 pounds, how he gon catch me son?
50 Cent, How to Rob
Remember when he used to be hot on the mix-tape scene? Didn’t give a fuck what other people thought, especially in the industry. Now the dude drank a whole bunch of Vitamin water and thinks he’s Donald Trump. Were no lessons learned from Master P?
The last, and best one I offer here today is from Lil’ Wayne. We all know he’s been everywhere in the past year. Making songs, getting arrested, drinking pink shit out of a rhinestone cup. You know, the usual. Sometimes the cat is crazy, saying shit that doesn’t make no sense. I mean, did you hear his verse on “Barry Bonds”? That shit was ridiculous. But then he redeems himself with one of the funniest couple of bars I have ever heard in my life.
Un fuckin believable, Lil Wayne's the president
Fuck em, fuck em, fuck em, even if they celibate
I know the game is crazy,
it's more crazy than it's ever been
I'm married to that crazy bitch,
call me Kevin Federline
Lil Wayne, I’m Me
hope you enjoyed...
Let’s start off with a line that always gets me from the underappreciated Rick Ross. Anybody that can make a whole album about selling coke has to be a little creative, right?…
I got hoes in Memphis
hoes in Maryland,
White girl in Carolina let's call her Carol-Anne
Rick Ross, This is the life
For some reason the mention of “White people” always gets me in rap. It’s like we, as a people, have finally reached the big stage…Tony Ya-Yo has a lyric about white people rolling up their endo that always kills me too. It didn’t make the list because the rest of the lines are pretty stupid.
The next one from Naughty by Nature is a favorite of mine from growing up. 19Naughty3 was the first rap album I bought with one of those little Parental Advisory Warning stickers on it. To me, those labels always looked like they should be the flag on the Major Label pirate ship. I digress…Naughty’s first album was so full of hilarious diss and battle rap, I could have probably made a top ten list with just the one album, This is Treach at his funniest…
You say I diss you hard after I did you fine It ain't my fault,
it's just your face looked mighty different in the daytime
Treach, Thanks for Sleepwalking
He said she was ugly in the day, tell me that shits not funny…
You could also make a case for an entire top ten list for the next rapper, Method Man. Probably one of my top three rappers of all time, dude’s got punch lines for days…
You know me,
everytime you kiss that hoe you blow me,
You blow trial tryin to walk a mile in my Saucony’s
Method Man, Chamber Music
I swear to God, every time I am shopping at Kohl’s and I walk by their shoe department I repeat that line in my head. It has been a gift and a curse.
Kanye West always has some funny lines. Even though the guy is crazy now, singing through machines and trying to be Bono, his lyrics show why he's one of the most creative artists out there. At least he takes chances. It was tough to decide between his lines about his miracle whip and this…
Aaron love to raw dog, when will he learn?
Caught something on the Usher tour and had to let it burn
Kanye West, Gone
which gets the slight nod because I physically laugh when I hear the sing-songy way Kanye delivers it.
The next two I’ll just give you in bulk, both of these get me to smile, nothing too deep there…Luda definitely makes me laugh, maybe the definition of a punch-line-rapper…
Ain't nothing but a G-thang,
baby it's a G-thang
Bounce like you got hydraulics in your G-strang
The game, Let’s Ride
From yo' car to a crap game, no one rolls wit'chu
One of Mini-Me's shoes got more sole than you
Ludicrous, Hip-Hop Quotables
The next rapper is probably the most slept on M.C. out there. He hasn’t been too active lately, but I will put his flow up against anybody else from New York. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you Jadakiss…
I knew this chick named Superhead,
she gave super head,
moved into my building and even gave the Super head.
I know it doesn’t really rhyme, but who cares? Half of what Jada raps doesn’t rhyme in the traditional sense, but he makes it work through his cadence. It’s a lot harder to pull off than just spittin out sun/fun/run/gun/stun…
The next one is from 50. I tell ya, no rapper has disappointed me more than him. His career was once so promising with raps like this…
I'll rob Pun without a gun
snatch his piece then run
That ni**a weigh 400 pounds, how he gon catch me son?
50 Cent, How to Rob
Remember when he used to be hot on the mix-tape scene? Didn’t give a fuck what other people thought, especially in the industry. Now the dude drank a whole bunch of Vitamin water and thinks he’s Donald Trump. Were no lessons learned from Master P?
The last, and best one I offer here today is from Lil’ Wayne. We all know he’s been everywhere in the past year. Making songs, getting arrested, drinking pink shit out of a rhinestone cup. You know, the usual. Sometimes the cat is crazy, saying shit that doesn’t make no sense. I mean, did you hear his verse on “Barry Bonds”? That shit was ridiculous. But then he redeems himself with one of the funniest couple of bars I have ever heard in my life.
Un fuckin believable, Lil Wayne's the president
Fuck em, fuck em, fuck em, even if they celibate
I know the game is crazy,
it's more crazy than it's ever been
I'm married to that crazy bitch,
call me Kevin Federline
Lil Wayne, I’m Me
hope you enjoyed...
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Charley Walters is Worthless...
Some of you may already know this, but Charley Walters is a writter for the St. Paul Pioneer Press. He is a BAD writter for the Pioneeer Press. His columns often showcase tremendous bits of information like these nuggets from the Tuesday and Wednesday papers...
For several reasons, the Twins aren't interested in free agent Manny Ramirez, who is seeking a $25 million-a-season multiyear contract. Can you imagine, though, Denard Span and Alexi Casilla at the top of the Twins' lineup followed by Joe Mauer, Ramirez and Justin Morneau?
I don’t even know where to start with this…
I’d also like the Twinks to sign Babe Ruth to DH and Mike Schmidt to play third base. Can you imagine a lineup with Span, Casilla, Ramirez, Morneau, Mauer, Schmidt, Ruth, Cudduyer, and Nick Punto? In fact, while we are at it, we should probably sign A-rod to play short and I am sure we could find a spot for Shoeless Joe Jackson to play right. So now the Twins lineup looks like this: Casilla, Ramirez, Morneau, Mauer, Schmidt, Ruth, Shoeless Joe, and A-rod. Sounds pretty solid to me…
Never mind that Ramirez will make about $30 Million this year (and for the next two years), which is only about 25 million less than the whole Twins roster makes. Can you imagine the same team that signed Mike Lamb to a 2-year deal and handed him a starting job signing one of the premier hitters of our generation? We don't SIGN players like him we LOSE players like him. Maybe once Manny sees the dream lineup Charley has put together, he'll come and play for nothing…
And I’m sure Man-Ram would love to spend any amount of time in Minnesota…LA? Bunch of homos, NY? I'd have to share Madonna with A-rod. SF? Too much water. MN? 120 degrees in the summer, -20 in the winter? SIGN ME UP!
Steelers punter Mitch Berger, who played for the Vikings for six seasons and has been with 12 teams in 15 years, punted for the Cardinals last season.
I looked it up, really, it took .2 seconds for Google to kick back the results. Berger has also been a member of the Bears, Vikings, Rams, Saints, Cardinals, Steelers, and Eagles.
I count 7 teams in total (at least he got the Vikings for six part right). My point is; so fucking what! Not only is this a meaningless piece of information (This just in! Dave likes Cookies and Supermodels! ), it is also incorrect and could have been prevented with .2 seconds of research. It took up three perfectly good inches of newsprint that could have been used to better ourselves, or perhaps even entertain a little.
The Gophers are considering holding their spring football game April 25, perhaps at the University of St. Thomas if logistics allow.
Another Print-worthy nugget…I am thinking about getting Chinese Take-out tonight, February 5th.
For several reasons, the Twins aren't interested in free agent Manny Ramirez, who is seeking a $25 million-a-season multiyear contract. Can you imagine, though, Denard Span and Alexi Casilla at the top of the Twins' lineup followed by Joe Mauer, Ramirez and Justin Morneau?
I don’t even know where to start with this…
I’d also like the Twinks to sign Babe Ruth to DH and Mike Schmidt to play third base. Can you imagine a lineup with Span, Casilla, Ramirez, Morneau, Mauer, Schmidt, Ruth, Cudduyer, and Nick Punto? In fact, while we are at it, we should probably sign A-rod to play short and I am sure we could find a spot for Shoeless Joe Jackson to play right. So now the Twins lineup looks like this: Casilla, Ramirez, Morneau, Mauer, Schmidt, Ruth, Shoeless Joe, and A-rod. Sounds pretty solid to me…
Never mind that Ramirez will make about $30 Million this year (and for the next two years), which is only about 25 million less than the whole Twins roster makes. Can you imagine the same team that signed Mike Lamb to a 2-year deal and handed him a starting job signing one of the premier hitters of our generation? We don't SIGN players like him we LOSE players like him. Maybe once Manny sees the dream lineup Charley has put together, he'll come and play for nothing…
And I’m sure Man-Ram would love to spend any amount of time in Minnesota…LA? Bunch of homos, NY? I'd have to share Madonna with A-rod. SF? Too much water. MN? 120 degrees in the summer, -20 in the winter? SIGN ME UP!
Steelers punter Mitch Berger, who played for the Vikings for six seasons and has been with 12 teams in 15 years, punted for the Cardinals last season.
I looked it up, really, it took .2 seconds for Google to kick back the results. Berger has also been a member of the Bears, Vikings, Rams, Saints, Cardinals, Steelers, and Eagles.
I count 7 teams in total (at least he got the Vikings for six part right). My point is; so fucking what! Not only is this a meaningless piece of information (This just in! Dave likes Cookies and Supermodels! ), it is also incorrect and could have been prevented with .2 seconds of research. It took up three perfectly good inches of newsprint that could have been used to better ourselves, or perhaps even entertain a little.
The Gophers are considering holding their spring football game April 25, perhaps at the University of St. Thomas if logistics allow.
Another Print-worthy nugget…I am thinking about getting Chinese Take-out tonight, February 5th.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
The best things about a blog are four-fold
1. In casual conversation I can now say "I'm totally gonna blog about this later"
2. The next time Comcast gives me any shit, I have a forum. "Aight Doreen, if ya don't send somebody out post haste to fix the cable I'm going to post this to my blog. Everyone will hear of the wrongs that have been done here today!". She wont know only three people read this.
3. If I should die in some horrible accident, my friends can now put this web address under the R.I.P tats they'll all be getting. Right under a smiling picture of my face*.
*As a side note to those developing their tattoo art as we speak, I think I would like to be remembered as having a little bling in my mouth. Maybe just a couple diamond studs in my front teeth.
4. I now have something to flip on when somebody comes into the room while I'm looking at porn.
2. The next time Comcast gives me any shit, I have a forum. "Aight Doreen, if ya don't send somebody out post haste to fix the cable I'm going to post this to my blog. Everyone will hear of the wrongs that have been done here today!". She wont know only three people read this.
3. If I should die in some horrible accident, my friends can now put this web address under the R.I.P tats they'll all be getting. Right under a smiling picture of my face*.
*As a side note to those developing their tattoo art as we speak, I think I would like to be remembered as having a little bling in my mouth. Maybe just a couple diamond studs in my front teeth.
4. I now have something to flip on when somebody comes into the room while I'm looking at porn.
A conversation with my father
Steve: Dave! I won 500 dollars at bingo last night!
Dave: Really? Good job Dad!
Steve: No, i really didn't win
...good one Steve...
Dave: Really? Good job Dad!
Steve: No, i really didn't win
...good one Steve...
Radio in the morning
I will keep this simple, a quaint request to the director's of programming at Cities97. Please, please, please stop playing Sting in the morning. If i hear "Roxanne", or "Desert Rose" one more time while i am trying to shave, i will use my razor as the good people at Gillette never intended.
That is all for now.
That is all for now.
Welcome Friends!
To the best f'n thing you will ever read. Apologies to Mr. Vonnegut, but it's WhyteDayve's time now...
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