Hot or Not: Jessica Alba

In homage to one of my favorite “Office” episodes, I will attempt to answer a question that has been plaguing me for a few years. Is Jessica Alba hot or not?

Let me first say that in my humble opinion, she is not hot. However, you shouldn’t take my word for it. That’s like saying “Macaroni and Cheese is the best food ever” without giving any argument or offering any thought process. Is it the cheese? Is it the noodles? So, in the interest of objectivity and fairness, I will break this down scientifically using the check/check-plus/check-minus rating system.

Let us first establish what exactly makes an actress hot. Surely, she must be physically attractive. But are there other qualities that go into making someone hot? I would argue, with actresses especially, that their body of work or quality of films/acting ability would almost certainly matter. Sure, Lindsay Lohan is good looking, but even I can’t sit through “I Know Who Killed Me”, and she gets damn near naked and dances on a pole in that movie.
I would also argue that image has a bit to do with hotness. A good image goes a long way. How quickly did Brittney become ugly once she started shaving her head and hitting car doors with sticks? Once she started taking her meds, how quickly did she become hot again?

So, if you’re still with me, the established criteria for actress hot-a-bility in my eyes would be (in order of importance):
Physical attributes
Image
Body of work

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
I will admit, Jessica is an attractive mix of exotic beauty. She has caramel skin, long darkened hair, and a slender frame. But I think that she is just that, a jumbled mix of other good looking actresses. She’s like a semi-attractive Picasso. When you look at it you don’t really get it. You think you like it because other people tell you it’s art, but the picture itself leaves you scratching your head.
She has the skin tone of Vanessa Williams (back when she was hot too), the eyes of Beyonce (a little too far apart and have dark junkie circles under them), the nose of, well pretty much any Hollywood actress who has ever had work done. She has nice teeth and hair, but have you ever heard someone say “I want to fuck her teeth”? No, you haven’t. So, in terms of physical attributes I’ll say she’s above average, as she’s an amalgamation of other slightly above average looking actresses.
The one area she redeems herself here is her body. She has a rocking body. You can’t hide that in a bushel basket. You see the Maxim photo shoot of her rolling around in bed sheets, or any paparazzi pic of her in a bikini? Jesus.

RATING:
Face: Check
Body: Check plus

IMAGE
Aside from the random beach bikini picture of her you really don’t hear much about her in the tabloids or the papers. She kind of stays low key until her newest movie premier that no one will go see (more on that later). I somewhat enjoy her ability to stay out of the limelight. She isn’t flashing her bagingo, or crashing her Mercedes on the strip. There was a small legal dust-up involving playboy a couple years ago, but other than that she hasn’t had many issues. However, the lack of her name in the papers gives her a kind of “faceless celebrity” status. By doing the right things, she becomes almost boring. It would be nice to see her out there a little more, causing a bit of trouble.
Her image in the magazine “hot list” lexicon seems safe. She has been named to both Maxim’s and FHM’s hot lists of 2007. As well as being voted number one by Askmen.com. So you know some people thing she’s good looking. However, here is a list of other brutal “hot” girls on either of these lists:
Fergie
Eva Longoria
Hilary Duff
Jennifer Garner
Ashlee Simpson
Sienna Miller
Katherine Heigl
Nelly Furtado
Danica Patrick

Not exactly exclusive company. Sometimes I feel there are only like 101 actresses in the world, and for these “hot” lists they just eliminate Tori Spelling, and re-arrange the girls based on who is being marketed at the time. Plus, I’m sure there are thousands of other, more attractive, people in the world that don’t make the lists because of their non-celebrity status.

RATING:
Check

BODY OF WORK
Jessica’s “notable” films include:
Venus Rising
P.U.N.K.S
Never Been Kissed
Idle Hands
Honey
Sin City
Fantastic Four
Into the Blue
The Ten
Good Luck Chuck
Awake
The Eye
The Love Guru
Bill
She has also appeared on episodes of “Flipper”, “Beverly Hills 90210”, “The Office” and she had her own series “Dark Angel”.
In this whole list, maybe you could make a case for Sin City being a success. The rest of them were box office bombs, due in no small part I’m sure, to the acting abilities of the leading lady. Maybe someone out there really thought “Good Luck Chuck” was a damn good movie. I’ll let the box office grosses paint the picture for you. You can look them up here: http://www.the-numbers.com/
She has been kind of attractive in her role on “The Office”, but she’s simply cute in her dressed down receptionist character. Some could argue that she is not even the hottest “Office” receptionist since the show’s inception.

RATING:
Check Minus

OVERALL RATING:
Check

We can see when we break down the numbers scientifically, Jessica Alba is attractive yes, but she is not hot. Her average hotness puts her somewhere above Beyonce, but below Megan Fox. She is nowhere close to Scarlett.