Urinals and Coffee Stains

Thanks to Patrick for this observation…

“Why is it Dave, that when you walk into the bathroom (at work) you see a coffee mug ring on the top of the urinal?”

That is an excellent question Patrick. Another question worth exploring is, why do you see certain female co-workers enter the bathroom with job folders in their hands? The same job folders they later bring to a meeting?

Still better is why is there a chunk of hair sitting in the urinal right now? Not a few strands mind you, that may be acceptable, but a chunk. Is someone going through Chemo? Do we have a trichotillomaniac at work?

I want a Purel bath just thinking about it…

Pirates

I just spent the last hour and a half at work, not doing work, but looking up pirates and pirate related content on the interweb.

Why, you ask?

Because I watched a Pirates of the Caribbean movie marathon this weekend when it was rainy.

These are the kinds of things I do in a given day to fill my time. Other things I do at work in a given day:

Smoke no less than 5 cigarettes
Walk to the back of the warehouse and back up to my desk (repeat 5 times)
Play Tetris in our CD master room, where there's a security door so I can hear if anyone is coming
Play Patrick, my "next door neighbor", in a game of online scrabble (He cheats, by the way)
Take a 2 hour long lunch
Search to the end of the interweb for Lindsay Lohan "nip slip" pictures
File my order folders. Then remove several of them from the file cabinet to bring back to my desk. All this to make it appear like I am busy. All folders will later get re-filed. This process repeats about twice a day.

My company is glad to have me.

Callling for Submissions

Since i can only post here a couple times a week, I am wondering if anyone else wants to join in on the fun. There really are no rules to posting, as the blog says, its about a little of everything.

So, you have something funny to share? A good story? A rant?

you can send it to me at davesetz3000@hotmail.com

or you can let me know if you would like to post regularily, and i can set you up so you can post directly to the blog...

Have a good wednesday

Charlie Walters, again...

This from Charlie's column today in the Pioneer Press...

Shooter Now: Timberwolves could decide on McHale this week...

That is hard hitting journalism folks. Can you imaging how big the newspaper would be if you wrote about everything that may happen in a given day?

Dayve thinking about going for a walk!

Dayve deciding between steak or chicken. Check back tomorrow for the results!

There are so many good writers around, why do bad ones have jobs? Reading Charlie is like biting into a fork.

He Must Not Like Tattoos...

I was passed along an article the other day. I read a little bit of it, maybe the first paragraph, and then stopped. Usually, something this outright stupid is just a call for attention by a struggling writer desperate for readers. But I was bored, and reading Fire Joe Morgan archives last night which inspired me to lay an FJM style beat down on one Mr. Kyle McNary, who is the not-so-convincing author of this piece: http://www.examiner.com/x-1526-Minneapolis-Sports-Examiner~y2009m5d25-Tattoos-have-made-NBA-almost-unwatchable

Other fascinating articles by Kyle:
"You can't be old school unless youre old"
Shocking baseball story: Nick Punto not on steroids
And Lay off Childress--we're in the playoffs

Okay. Let’s go.

It sounds superficial. It probably is superficial.

This doesn't start well at all now does it?

But while we're on subject, you’re right, this article and your viewpoint is superficial. At least we’re on the same page.

But, watching the NBA has become almost a chore for me,

So don’t watch it then. I mean, I HATE chores. I don’t wash the dishes unless I HAVE to. Mowing the lawn? Forget about it.

not because the talent is diluted and the art of great passing is all but gone, though it most certainly is, but because more than three quarters of NBA players have ugly tattoos.

Of all the reasons you offer as to why the NBA game has fallen off, you select “tattoos” as his main rationale? Kobe shot 24% last night and had 9 turnovers, but you know what cost us the game? It was those silly tattoos! Why not actually write about the poor passing, the washed-out talent, or the disappearance of the jump shot. Any of those would’ve been exponentially more interesting and less offensive.

And I wonder if he feels the same way about the college game, where players also have ugly tattoos? Or maybe he thinks the NFL should make all of its players cover their arms in shame. The fact is, every major sport in every major city now has players with tattoos. That's because people everywhere have tattoos. It would seem the only sport Mr. McNary can safely watch is the NHL, where each player is covered from head to toe with non-threatening fabric.

Yes, I'm prejudiced against people with tattoos.

Good. At least you're upfront about your bigotry.

Traits that Kyle McNary admits to possessing so far:
Superficiality
Prejudice

Not exactly painting a picture of someone who’s writing I would want to even read, let alone care about the shared opinion. But at least he doesn’t have any tats.

I think they made a big mistake, I question their decision-making skills, and I think they probably lack in self esteem.

Add to the above list: Judgmental.

I think a small tattoo on a sailor's forearm is okay, but more than a silver dollar size is too much.

Is this 1942? Do sailors still get those Popeye tattoos on their arms? What about the army? Are those soldiers allowed to have them? Nice special forces emblem you fuckin' prick. Why don’t ya do somethin worth while, like sail a boat, before you start ruining your body! And what if Delonte West, mentioned later on, has also sailed a boat? If that’s the case, then Mr. McNary, you’re in a pickle!

I think they make women look trashy, hence the word "tramp stamp,"

Actually, “tramp stamp” refers only to a tattoo on a girls lower back.

though Beyonce could have her whole body tattooed and she's still be gorgeous….

So, I guess they’re not as ugly as they seem? Either you're not so dead set against tattoos as you would have us believe (in which case you never should have written this), you are a hypocrite, or your morals can be easily shifted in order to get you some pussy. You think Beyonce is going to let you swim her poonany after you just called her a “tramp”?

…I've been watching the conference finals the past week, and the games have been pretty exciting.

But you just fucking said the NBA was unwatchable!

Not many people would have guessed that the Orlando Magic would be a Lebron three-pointer away from leading three games to none. But....I can't get past these tattoos…

You are so clouded by your own prejudice that you couldn’t even enjoy one of the most memorable final seconds of a game in the history of the NBA playoffs? I watched it. It was awesome. I loved the part when that tramp Lebron took his trampy little jump shot, right in the faces of those slutty Magic players, putting a dagger in their whorish hearts. A shot that caused the hair on the collective necks of every NBA fan in the world to rise. Except for Kyle. He missed it. He was too busy looking at Bron-bron’s sailor tats.

…On the Cleveland Cavaliers, Delonte West looks like he belongs in a circus. After filling up both arms, West actually walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "stick some needles in my neck."

I thought we were talking basketball and tattoos. Now we’re discussing Elephants and acupuncture…

It's hard to tell where one ends and another starts, but he has at least a dozen tattoos, and looks like a moron. Sorry, but he does..

As opposed to writing shit. Which just makes you seem like a moron. Sorry, but you do.

In the West, the Denver Nuggets' Chris Anderson is nicknamed "birdman," supposedly because he can fly to the basket, and he flaps his arms after a big play. I actually think it's a good nickname because he looks like a peacock…

Because it’s well known peacocks have lots of tattoos? No wonder they walk around the zoo all hooker-y and whatnot.

The Indiana Pacers' Marquis Daniels had a tattoo of a man committing suicide (lovely), Gilbert Arenas has the words "change we believe in" on his fingers in honor of Barack Obama…

Arena's seems kind of honorable to me…At least his principles are solid and unchangeable. Unlike someone who would change everything about themselves in order to hit on a slightly above average looking pop star.

Have you ever seen Marquis's arm? Above the picture mentioned he has the words "Only the Strong Survive". I've never interviewed Mr. Daniels, so I'm not sure of his exact intentions. But maybe this reminds him that no matter how tough life is, the alternative is worse. Maybe he had a loved one who took their own life and this is a reminder, however grizzly, of an important memory. Point is, nobody but Marquis knows the significance and how deep it may go. And how dare someone judge another so quickly. I have now stepped off my soapbox.

Luke Walton has a tattoo in honor of the Grateful Dead, and Tim Duncan has a tattoo covering his chest in honor of the nerdy game Dungeons and Dragons. The most idiotic reason for getting a tattoo? Amare Stoudemire wins the award. The Sun's star claims that "if I died right now, my kids could get to know me by my tats." Uh, Amare, why don't you just talk to your kids!

Like Marquis, I don’t know Amare and I don’t know his family. I am also assuming Mr. McNary doesn’t either. Perhaps Amare’s children are very young and he just wants to assure he has a way to impart on his children a bit of himself. Perhaps Amare’s tattoos are reminders of lessons he has learned through his life, and perhaps he would like to share these lessons with his children someday. He obviously sees it as a way to communicate once he is no longer able. If he just kept a journal of his life for his kids would Mr. McNary be more comfortable with it?

It comes down to personal choice. Each person is entitled to do with their body what they will. If you are so blinded by your own ignorance that you can’t enjoy a simple basketball game, then by all means, do not watch. That is certainly a personal choice as well. But to write something like this is just a waste of time And trampy. So very, very trampy.

Hot or Not: Jessica Alba

In homage to one of my favorite “Office” episodes, I will attempt to answer a question that has been plaguing me for a few years. Is Jessica Alba hot or not?

Let me first say that in my humble opinion, she is not hot. However, you shouldn’t take my word for it. That’s like saying “Macaroni and Cheese is the best food ever” without giving any argument or offering any thought process. Is it the cheese? Is it the noodles? So, in the interest of objectivity and fairness, I will break this down scientifically using the check/check-plus/check-minus rating system.

Let us first establish what exactly makes an actress hot. Surely, she must be physically attractive. But are there other qualities that go into making someone hot? I would argue, with actresses especially, that their body of work or quality of films/acting ability would almost certainly matter. Sure, Lindsay Lohan is good looking, but even I can’t sit through “I Know Who Killed Me”, and she gets damn near naked and dances on a pole in that movie.
I would also argue that image has a bit to do with hotness. A good image goes a long way. How quickly did Brittney become ugly once she started shaving her head and hitting car doors with sticks? Once she started taking her meds, how quickly did she become hot again?

So, if you’re still with me, the established criteria for actress hot-a-bility in my eyes would be (in order of importance):
Physical attributes
Image
Body of work

PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES
I will admit, Jessica is an attractive mix of exotic beauty. She has caramel skin, long darkened hair, and a slender frame. But I think that she is just that, a jumbled mix of other good looking actresses. She’s like a semi-attractive Picasso. When you look at it you don’t really get it. You think you like it because other people tell you it’s art, but the picture itself leaves you scratching your head.
She has the skin tone of Vanessa Williams (back when she was hot too), the eyes of Beyonce (a little too far apart and have dark junkie circles under them), the nose of, well pretty much any Hollywood actress who has ever had work done. She has nice teeth and hair, but have you ever heard someone say “I want to fuck her teeth”? No, you haven’t. So, in terms of physical attributes I’ll say she’s above average, as she’s an amalgamation of other slightly above average looking actresses.
The one area she redeems herself here is her body. She has a rocking body. You can’t hide that in a bushel basket. You see the Maxim photo shoot of her rolling around in bed sheets, or any paparazzi pic of her in a bikini? Jesus.

RATING:
Face: Check
Body: Check plus

IMAGE
Aside from the random beach bikini picture of her you really don’t hear much about her in the tabloids or the papers. She kind of stays low key until her newest movie premier that no one will go see (more on that later). I somewhat enjoy her ability to stay out of the limelight. She isn’t flashing her bagingo, or crashing her Mercedes on the strip. There was a small legal dust-up involving playboy a couple years ago, but other than that she hasn’t had many issues. However, the lack of her name in the papers gives her a kind of “faceless celebrity” status. By doing the right things, she becomes almost boring. It would be nice to see her out there a little more, causing a bit of trouble.
Her image in the magazine “hot list” lexicon seems safe. She has been named to both Maxim’s and FHM’s hot lists of 2007. As well as being voted number one by Askmen.com. So you know some people thing she’s good looking. However, here is a list of other brutal “hot” girls on either of these lists:
Fergie
Eva Longoria
Hilary Duff
Jennifer Garner
Ashlee Simpson
Sienna Miller
Katherine Heigl
Nelly Furtado
Danica Patrick

Not exactly exclusive company. Sometimes I feel there are only like 101 actresses in the world, and for these “hot” lists they just eliminate Tori Spelling, and re-arrange the girls based on who is being marketed at the time. Plus, I’m sure there are thousands of other, more attractive, people in the world that don’t make the lists because of their non-celebrity status.

RATING:
Check

BODY OF WORK
Jessica’s “notable” films include:
Venus Rising
P.U.N.K.S
Never Been Kissed
Idle Hands
Honey
Sin City
Fantastic Four
Into the Blue
The Ten
Good Luck Chuck
Awake
The Eye
The Love Guru
Bill
She has also appeared on episodes of “Flipper”, “Beverly Hills 90210”, “The Office” and she had her own series “Dark Angel”.
In this whole list, maybe you could make a case for Sin City being a success. The rest of them were box office bombs, due in no small part I’m sure, to the acting abilities of the leading lady. Maybe someone out there really thought “Good Luck Chuck” was a damn good movie. I’ll let the box office grosses paint the picture for you. You can look them up here: http://www.the-numbers.com/
She has been kind of attractive in her role on “The Office”, but she’s simply cute in her dressed down receptionist character. Some could argue that she is not even the hottest “Office” receptionist since the show’s inception.

RATING:
Check Minus

OVERALL RATING:
Check

We can see when we break down the numbers scientifically, Jessica Alba is attractive yes, but she is not hot. Her average hotness puts her somewhere above Beyonce, but below Megan Fox. She is nowhere close to Scarlett.

Much Therapy is Needed

So, I'm sitting with my ma in the ER this weekend. My father was unavailable, so the duty of cargiver fell on me. As we're waiting, the billing/admin lady from the hospital comes in to take my mom's insurance information. She introduces herself to mother, then looks at me and says "and you must be her husband."

oh what the fuck!

Then, to cover her tracks she says "Well, I thought you must be married because your mom looks so young. She must be a cougar"

I try to help my family out, and all I get is about 10 years of therapy. I can hear the collective brains of every therapist in the US...Ca-ching!