I love CSRs

Dr Office Receptionist Amy:  Asks me if my address is the same

Dave: noting they have my address from 7 years ago, Gives new address

Amy: Asks me if my phone is the same

Dave: Gives new phone

Amy: And how about your insurance?

Dave: Gives new insurance

Amy: And are you still single?

Dave: Jesus Amy, the one thing that hasn’t changed, thanks for that.

Amy: Well I’m sure you’re really nice?

Later On…

Amy: OK, how about Tuesday the 24^th

Dave: ok

Dave: still waiting for her to say some kind of available time…

Amy: Does that work for you?

Dave: I said yes Amy, should I just come out there at like 8am and wait around for a doctor? Do I just pick one in the parking lot and chase them down?

Amy: I’m going to lose your appointment

Still Later…

Amy: OK, you’re all set for your appointment with Dr. Smith,  AKA, Nurse Ratchet

Dave: Really? That’s who you’re going with? Do I even want my physical from her? Is this going to be safe for me?

Amy: Hey, maybe it’s exactly who you want

Dave: Well, I AM still single

My conversation with Shaska

My roommate Shaska is a server who works two jobs. Yesterday she had to work both jobs, from open to close. The following is a conversation with Shaska this morning.

Shaska: I'm so tired today! I worked 13 hours yesterday. And I work again tonight.
Dave: that sucks. How much did you walk with yesterday?
Shaska: I made like $600 before tip-outs
Dave: fuck you.

The worst thing about restraint...

For the past two years or so, I've been practicing some restraint...a sort of forced celibacy if you will. It's not that I haven't wanted to have sex, in fact I'm out of control horny most of the time. No, the simple fact is that I haven't found anyone worth giving a part of myself to. Not that it hasn't been offered, I mean, on a saturday night I'm turning down the nani left and right (can you feel the sarcasm?)

There is one thing I miss so much though, and this goes hand in hand with the horniness. The thing I miss most is something I call "OK hips"... Bear with me... "OK hips" are when you are with a girl, and she is almost naked. The last little piece left is her underwear. This is the last guardpost between you and the promise land...so you go to take her underwear off (hopefully thongs, or some other kind that I don't even know about yet...no boy shorts or Hanes Her Way, I mean, C'mon ladies...) and as you go to remove them, she lifts her hips to let you know it's okay to slide them off...

I know that's pretty dirty, maybe a little too much for a public forum...but think about it guys, is there another moment in life where so much anticipation and excitement is built up? I thought not...

I wonder if Webster's Dictionary would be interested in "OK Hips" and my definition?

Have You Ever Seen Someone Fall in Love With Their Eyes?

I was passed along the below video. It's not a new video by any means, and it's been viewed over 36 million times. The kid singing in it is pretty damn good, especially considering this was filmed at a 6th grade talent competition. I hate the song choice, but he does a pretty good job making the song his own.

What I really love about this video are the girls in the background. At the beginning of the video you can see the stupidest looking girl I've ever seen in my life. She's in the upper right corner in a green shirt. You can't miss her, she's the one that looks like a mongoloid.

The other girl I can't stop watching is the blond with the black shirt, third from the left on the top row. As soon as this kid starts singing the girl is falling in love. By the middle of the video she has a permanent smile on her face, and by the very end of the video, she clearly wants to bang this kid right there on his piano (you get the same reaction from the first girl on the left in the back row, but she covers her face the whole time in orgasmic pleasure, so you can't really see her face, but she loves her some 12 yr old piano guy too).

And when the kid is done singing, he stands up and gives the biggest smile, partly because he did a really good job and probably won the competition, and partly because he just realized he's never going to have a problem getting laid. EVER. He may as well have lost his virginity right there during the song. And when you think about it, he did. Good for you kid, not cut your fucking hair.

The final cherry on top of this visual sundae, is when the school librarian comes in and tries to pump up the crowd with probably the stupidest thing you can say. Enjoy...

Genius in Advertising

I was watching the show Outsourced on NBC the other night. For those of you that haven't seen it, it's a show about an American that gets sent to India as part of his company's outsourcing. The guy runs a call center for novelty products, things like funny t-shirts and gag gifts. Obviously, hilarity ensues when the Indian and American cultures clash, throw in a budding romance and you have the making for...well, mediocre TV at best.

In any case, during the commercial break last week they showed a spot for the new Outsourced shop on NBC.com. They are selling the funny items the characters talk about on the show to actual real life people. They've even made calling into operators fun by making you think you'll possible get to talk to the people on the show (who all play telemarketers). Think about it, it's pretty fucking genius and pretty fucking sickening. Now, NBC can basically run a 30 minute commercial for all the crap on their website and throw in a couple jokes and hot ladies for entertainment. And I bet it works. Wonderfully. At least as long as the show remains somewhat interesting. Now I'm not an idiot, I realize product placement is not a new concept, anyone who's watched an episode of Bones on FOX can see they are trying to sell you midsize SUV crossovers. But even that is once or twice an episode, not the whole fucking reason for the shows being. Now I'm starting to wonder if the show was created solely for the purpose of selling, which I suppose is the point of ANY TV show (which is again kind of a sickening thought). I wonder if the concept started in a room of sinister looking old guys in dark suits thinking about 'how we can make an infomercial entertaining", and the rest of the shows structure was built around that concept?

It's a pretty pessimistic stance to take I'm sure. But I don't really trust ad executives or CEOs anyway. Of course, they do annoying shit like this, so who can blame me.

The Big List Of Things I Would Have Sex With If I Could...

iPad
iPod
Air conditioning
"Art of Glow" app for the iPad
Madden franchising
Comfy robes
Target Field
Twin’s Saturday uniforms
D.C. shoes hoodies
Everwood season 4
DVR
The color blue
Clicky-top pens
Dugouts
Marlboro Lights
Hulu.com
Ruffley skirts
Thongs
Whale tails
MLB Network
Coke Zero
Limited edition Pirates of the Caribbean Berry Bounty chap stick
Urban outfitters plain t-shirts
Lacoste cologne
Spinach and Artichoke dip (warm not hot, otherwise it’d burn my weiner)
Frozen double stuffed Oreos
Long lunch breaks
Flonase nasal spray (anyone who has allergies will thank me for this one...)
1st smoke of the day
Fantasy football and baseball
Norton literature anthologies
Insulin (keeps me alive!!!)
Ibuprophen
Stocking caps
Pigtails
Girls with pigtails and stocking caps (throw in a pair of baggy cords and a spaghetti strap tank top and I will cum in her belly button…)

What would you have sex with?

No Shit

I just saw a commercial on tv for Cialis, which is a drug for erectile disfunction. The guy doing the VoiceOver says "if you experience a loss in vision or an erection lasting more than four hours, stop takin Cialis and call your doctor.

That's kind of the obvious statement of all obvious statements.

I want to know who the person is that says "I've had this boner for five hours and I can't really see anymore, but I think I'll try another Cialis and see if that helps."

Reduce, Reuse,...

It's the little things people, that will get our world through this...

In my effort to be a better "planetary citizen" I decided to find little ways to help save the planet.

For instance, the other night I was eating soup and when I finished I decided to pee. In a genius move I used the napkin from dinner to dap away the excess pee. It's silly using a paper towel AND a piece of toilet paper.

Some suggestions I have for you:

If you get no ear wax one day, try saving the cotton swab for the next day. In fact, I say, until there's mold growing on that bitch, use away...

T-shirts make great headbands when they're too small to wear

Washing a dish for each use is overrated. If I eat pasta out of a dish I say it's okay to eat your after dinner ice cream from the same dish. It was YOUR dinner and it's just going to mix in your belly anyway. Plus, you could get a bonus bit of pasta sauce on your ice cream. It's like italian fusion...

If your going to have a big BBQ, talk to your local animal shelter to see if they have leftover meat. No sense in shopping when there's perfectly good dog and ferret going to waste.

Use leftover cigarette filters to replace your home air filter. You know how many butts are thrown away each year? Tons.

Use your small children to plow your lawn into a garden. Veggies are really healthy, and the home gardening trend has never been more popular. Plus, this country was built on slave labor, so you can teach them about capitalism and give em a leg up on kindergarten. Plus, they'll probably be really good at dodgeball from working outside all summer. Then when they become professional athletes, they can pay you back for all the shit you had to buy them when they were kids.

These are just some suggestions, be creative. And remember, it's all for the earth so there are really no bad ideas.

LLWS

It’s that time of year again. The time where every single minute of ESPN, ESPN2, and ESPN18 is taken up by a single sporting event. An event that has no business being on TV in the first place. An event so stupid and pointless, I don’t know one person who is excited by it or talks about it the day after around the water cooler.

I am talking about the Little League World Series.

I fucking hate it. I loathe it. I want to murder it with a rusty spoon and throw its body into a wood chipper. I want to leave it in a room with R. Kelly so he can pee on it. I want to make it bang a fat chick.

My disdain for the Series begins with the parents. Those pom-pom waving, sparkly wig-wearing, cowbell-clanging stage parents. Oh how I hate those cow bells. This is one time where the cure is not even less cowbell. It’s NO FUCKING cowbell. Anyone caught ringing a bell should have their hand cut off. Try annoying everyone around you with a hook for a hand, it’s not as easy. You ever seen captain hook waving a cowbell like a complete fucking idiot? Of course not, he’s got a hook.

I also really don’t like the kids that play the game. Actually it’s not even their fault. I mean, most 12 year old kids are pretty douchey anyway, but it’s the way ESPN decides to broadcast the games that really irks me. I hate that they show those little snippets of information about the kids, like, “hey, little Tommy from Arkansas has a favorite color. And it’s blue!” Like anyone outside of little Tommy and his parents really care. In fact Tommy is a douche and his parents probably don’t even care.

But by far the worst thing in the whole broadcast is how ESPN shows the little leaguers pitch speed equivalent to what major leaguers throw. Like if the kid throws a 50 mph fastball, it shows up as 92 mph because the reaction time of the pitch is the same as a 92 mph fastball. Horseshit. I’m sure the reaction time is the same, but anyone who has ever stood at a plate and tried to hit a ball will tell you there’s a huge fucking difference between a 92 and a 50 mph fastball. You can’t even SEE a 92 mph fastball. Plus there’s the fear factor. Nobody is scared to get hit by a lobbed pitch from a douchey 12 year old, but everyone would be a little nervous to step into a big league batters box. It’s not even close.

Revolution

I was at Jay's place tonight and on my way out I saw a huge centipede crawl across the kitchen floor. Naturally I stomped the shit out of it. I bragged to Jay in the next room how I conquered the mighty beast. He came in to take a look and chastised me for the tiny stature of the bug.

"That's the smallest bug I've ever seen".

Irrelevant Jay. It's small now, but what if that bug grows up to become the natural born general of all centipedes and leads The Great Bug Revolution of 2023? Where all bugs rise up against the humans and make us their slaves, working in the honey hives for all eternity. Kind of like that stupid whiny bitch-kid Arnold has to protect in the first Terminator.

Or worse, what if the "small" bug crawls up on Jay in the middle of the night while he's sleeping and leaves an egg sack like this.

So you're welcome Jay. And you're welcome humanity. My very rational fear of bugs has saved us all.