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Friday, October 30, 2009
Thursday, October 29, 2009
The Ghost Deer
Gather round children, for this Halloween I’m going to tell you the scariest story you’ve ever heard. So turn off the lights and light the candle in your jack-o-lantern while I tell you the true tale of the Ghost Deer.
A few years back, on a dark and rainy night, I was driving home from a party late at night. The road was dark and wet, no other cars were around. It had been a long night, I’d had a couple drinks and was getting pretty tired. I was approaching the crest of a hill in my Ford Thunderbird and just as I started over the hill, out of the left corner of my eye I saw a white flash with antlers, and then I heard a loud thud.
I looked right and couldn’t see anything. I looked back left, nothing. I slowed down my car and checked the rear view mirror, nothing. Was I dreaming? Did I really hit something? All of the sudden, my car’s engine shut off and I started coasting down the hill. I was able to pull off to the side of the road. As I put on my hood and stepped out into the freezing rain, I looked back up the hill and the shoulders of the road. I couldn’t see anything hurt or dead in the road at all.
And then it hit me. Clearly I had run into a Ghost Deer, probably the ghost of a deer that was hit by a car on this very road. Now, it spends it’s time haunting the highway, ramming itself into other cars, looking for revenge on the man that killed him. The Ghost Deer passes through your car, shutting off your engine. When you get out of the car to examine the damage, it will stab you with its ghost antlers. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I had been the man that ran him down so many years before, I would not be standing here today.
So I caution you, dear reader. This Halloween season if you hit a deer and your engine stops, don’t move. Call 911 and wait for them to arrive. If you get out of your car, it will be the last thing you ever do.
A few years back, on a dark and rainy night, I was driving home from a party late at night. The road was dark and wet, no other cars were around. It had been a long night, I’d had a couple drinks and was getting pretty tired. I was approaching the crest of a hill in my Ford Thunderbird and just as I started over the hill, out of the left corner of my eye I saw a white flash with antlers, and then I heard a loud thud.
I looked right and couldn’t see anything. I looked back left, nothing. I slowed down my car and checked the rear view mirror, nothing. Was I dreaming? Did I really hit something? All of the sudden, my car’s engine shut off and I started coasting down the hill. I was able to pull off to the side of the road. As I put on my hood and stepped out into the freezing rain, I looked back up the hill and the shoulders of the road. I couldn’t see anything hurt or dead in the road at all.
And then it hit me. Clearly I had run into a Ghost Deer, probably the ghost of a deer that was hit by a car on this very road. Now, it spends it’s time haunting the highway, ramming itself into other cars, looking for revenge on the man that killed him. The Ghost Deer passes through your car, shutting off your engine. When you get out of the car to examine the damage, it will stab you with its ghost antlers. There’s no doubt in my mind that if I had been the man that ran him down so many years before, I would not be standing here today.
So I caution you, dear reader. This Halloween season if you hit a deer and your engine stops, don’t move. Call 911 and wait for them to arrive. If you get out of your car, it will be the last thing you ever do.
Friday, October 23, 2009
10 Songs I'm Geeked About Right Now
I'm at home sick, and I don't have anything better to do at this point tonight. And being laid up I've done nothing but watch The Current and listen to music. So, I'm going to give you a list of 10 songs I'm super pumped about right now. That's it. Just a list. 1 through 10 (though in no particular order). And I'm not even going to really talk about the songs, because my feeble sick brain can't come up with many complete sentences. Without further hesitation, here are 10 songs I would give an HJ in the parking lot.
1. Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
2. Girl Sailor - The Shins
3. Simple Man- The Grouch
4. Rooks - Shearwater
5. I Wanna Be Like You (Jungle Book Cover) - The Morning Benders
6. My Body's A Zombie For You - Dead Man's Bones
7. Temazcal - Monsters of Folk
8. Russia - Ramona Falls
9. Born Again - Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons
10. Best@it - Brother Ali
Goodnight.
1. Fleet Foxes - White Winter Hymnal
2. Girl Sailor - The Shins
3. Simple Man- The Grouch
4. Rooks - Shearwater
5. I Wanna Be Like You (Jungle Book Cover) - The Morning Benders
6. My Body's A Zombie For You - Dead Man's Bones
7. Temazcal - Monsters of Folk
8. Russia - Ramona Falls
9. Born Again - Cory Chisel and the Wandering Sons
10. Best@it - Brother Ali
Goodnight.
Thursday, October 15, 2009
World War 3: Update
My retaliation has been swift. I've now taken to eating my Dad's Klondike bars. I save the wrapper. When I'm finished eating I mold the wrapper back so it looks like there's still a bar in it. I then place it back in the package. Currently, we have a full package of "bars" in the freezer, and not one of them has an actual ice cream treat in it.
What Chantix May Come
I've been trying to quit smoking. I know, fucking gross. I hate the thought of not smoking. And since I love smoking so much, I decided I needed a pill to help me out So my doc starts me on Chantix. It's supposed to block the nicotine receptors in my brain while I smoke, essentially cutting my body off cold turkey, while my brain sees me and is getting tricked. You may have seen it on TV. There's a commercial from a lawfirm looking for Chantix users who've had suicidal thoughts, and thoughts of killing other people. But I ignore the warnings, and just let my friend Jay know that if I try to murder him or anyone else, I didn't really mean it. It was the drugs. He shouldn't take it personally.
One of the other side affects is incredibly lucid dreams. It gives some people horrible nightmares, and some people sexy happy dreams. For me, it didn't really do either. Instead, it gives me super realistic, mundane dreams. Fuck, I shouldn't even call them dreams. More like, scenes from a completely average play.
To illustrate my point:
The other night I dreamt that a nice girl from work, Lai, was knitting me a pair of basketball shorts. When she finished, she wanted $40 for them. I thought it was a little expensive, but I agreed.
That's it. That's the dream.
And to make matters worse, since it was a super realistic dream, I spent 10 minutes after I woke up in the morning thinking about how spending $40 on knitted basketball shorts was a not very smart, and how I don't even really wear shorts in the first place.
Another time I dreamt my friend called and invited me to a party. I couldn't go because it was a Wednesday and I had to work the next day, so I politely declined.
Again, that's it. Dream over. I need to look at internet porn or something tonight before I go to bed, spice this shit up a bit.
One of the other side affects is incredibly lucid dreams. It gives some people horrible nightmares, and some people sexy happy dreams. For me, it didn't really do either. Instead, it gives me super realistic, mundane dreams. Fuck, I shouldn't even call them dreams. More like, scenes from a completely average play.
To illustrate my point:
The other night I dreamt that a nice girl from work, Lai, was knitting me a pair of basketball shorts. When she finished, she wanted $40 for them. I thought it was a little expensive, but I agreed.
That's it. That's the dream.
And to make matters worse, since it was a super realistic dream, I spent 10 minutes after I woke up in the morning thinking about how spending $40 on knitted basketball shorts was a not very smart, and how I don't even really wear shorts in the first place.
Another time I dreamt my friend called and invited me to a party. I couldn't go because it was a Wednesday and I had to work the next day, so I politely declined.
Again, that's it. Dream over. I need to look at internet porn or something tonight before I go to bed, spice this shit up a bit.
Really?
I apologize to those of you that wish I would post more, I just haven't felt the creative juices flowing lately. Maybe it's the end of Summer and the start of a looooooong Minnesota Winter that's got me down. I promise to never leave you hanging again.
Let's get this party started...
Here's a little gem from the St. Paul Pioneer Press this morning...
Lottery Hoax Causes Riot At Coat Store
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A woman being driven around in a rented limousine pulled up at a coat store and announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchases, police said, but she ended up causing a riot when customers realized it was a hoax. Angry customers threw merchandise around and looted, police said.
Linda Brown was arrested Tuesday after an hours-long shopping spree that began when she hired a stretch Hummer limousine to drop her off at a Burlington Coat Factory store, police Sgt. Lt. Michael Deakins said. Brown walked to a cash register and announced she had won the lottery and would pay for each person's merchandise up to $500, he said.
People flooded the registers as cashiers began ringing up purchase after purchase, but Brown had not yet paid the bill, Deakins said.
My first question is why exactly would anyone who’s “won the lottery” go shop at a Burlington Coat Factory? Aren’t there a lot of nicer places a person could shop? Like K-mart? If I’m John Burlington, manager/owner of the Columbus, OH Coat factory, the first thing that would give me cause for concern is someone’s actually talking about paying cash for items, and not just using food stamps or some other government-aided subsidy. Right then and there, I’d know this lady is full of shit. Well actually, the FIRST thing that doesn’t seem right is the lady pulls up in a fucking stretch Hummer. To Burlington Coat Factory.
Now that I think about it, the very first thing that would concern me is that I’m working at a Burlington Coat Factory.
It gets better...
About an hour later, Brown had her driver take her to a bank to withdraw money, but she returned empty-handed, police Detective Steven Nace said.
So, the manager of the store, shit, wait, that's me, John Burlington. So, I decide it's a good idea to not only let this person offer to pay for everything, let my store get trampled and looted, before I check to see if this lady's telling the truth? Perhaps I could've checked for some kind of ticket, or proof that she's a recent lottery winner? I mean, there's got to be some kind of receipt right, or some kind of clip from the paper. Well, at least she had the cash on her. What's that you say? She didn't have the cash on her? She wants to do what now? She needs to go to the bank to make a withdrawl? No problem. I'm sure she's good for it. We'll just continue ringing these people in line and wait for her to get back.
And the best part is, she eventually does come back. WITH NOTHING. Are you fucking kidding me?
Let's get this party started...
Here's a little gem from the St. Paul Pioneer Press this morning...
Lottery Hoax Causes Riot At Coat Store
COLUMBUS, Ohio — A woman being driven around in a rented limousine pulled up at a coat store and announced she'd won the lottery and would pay for everyone's purchases, police said, but she ended up causing a riot when customers realized it was a hoax. Angry customers threw merchandise around and looted, police said.
Linda Brown was arrested Tuesday after an hours-long shopping spree that began when she hired a stretch Hummer limousine to drop her off at a Burlington Coat Factory store, police Sgt. Lt. Michael Deakins said. Brown walked to a cash register and announced she had won the lottery and would pay for each person's merchandise up to $500, he said.
People flooded the registers as cashiers began ringing up purchase after purchase, but Brown had not yet paid the bill, Deakins said.
My first question is why exactly would anyone who’s “won the lottery” go shop at a Burlington Coat Factory? Aren’t there a lot of nicer places a person could shop? Like K-mart? If I’m John Burlington, manager/owner of the Columbus, OH Coat factory, the first thing that would give me cause for concern is someone’s actually talking about paying cash for items, and not just using food stamps or some other government-aided subsidy. Right then and there, I’d know this lady is full of shit. Well actually, the FIRST thing that doesn’t seem right is the lady pulls up in a fucking stretch Hummer. To Burlington Coat Factory.
Now that I think about it, the very first thing that would concern me is that I’m working at a Burlington Coat Factory.
It gets better...
About an hour later, Brown had her driver take her to a bank to withdraw money, but she returned empty-handed, police Detective Steven Nace said.
So, the manager of the store, shit, wait, that's me, John Burlington. So, I decide it's a good idea to not only let this person offer to pay for everything, let my store get trampled and looted, before I check to see if this lady's telling the truth? Perhaps I could've checked for some kind of ticket, or proof that she's a recent lottery winner? I mean, there's got to be some kind of receipt right, or some kind of clip from the paper. Well, at least she had the cash on her. What's that you say? She didn't have the cash on her? She wants to do what now? She needs to go to the bank to make a withdrawl? No problem. I'm sure she's good for it. We'll just continue ringing these people in line and wait for her to get back.
And the best part is, she eventually does come back. WITH NOTHING. Are you fucking kidding me?
Friday, October 2, 2009
The War is Escalating
In response to my parking maneuver, my father has decided to remove all the towels from the bathroom when I go to take my shower.
Well played Steve, well played.
I've got to go back to the drawing board on this one...
Well played Steve, well played.
I've got to go back to the drawing board on this one...
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