Between a Rock and a Hard Place

I was at my friend Jay's place the other night, watching TV and generally relaxing. His girlfriend walks in and starts watching with us. We have a little light chit-chat, but then the conversation turned a little serious when Jay's girl accuses me of having a "disgusting porn collection". Now, I have nothing against porn, but I've never actually owned a porn tape in my life. Who needs a video tape when you have the internet now adays. Evedently, Jay had told his girlfriend, upon discovery of his vast array of videos, that his porn stash was mine. Like I would keep my porn at another person's house. So every time I wanted to snap one off, I'd have to drive to fucking Eagan. But the thing is, she believed him!

In the middle of having to defend myself, to which Jay was no help ("C'mon Dayve, Vaginal Encounters, like that's not yours"), the conversation took an abrupt halt when Jay's girl says,
"Why is porn even attractive? It's not beautiful. Like anybody wants to see a close up of anatomy like that. It's way hotter when you can see the whole girl, boobs and ass and everything."
To which my simple reply was, "I don't think guys are thinking "beautiful" when they're doing the things you're doing when you need porn."

And this is the best, I still can't stop laughing...

"Well I think it's gross. Jay, what do you think? Would you rather see a close up of a vagina, or would you rather see the whole girl from farther away?"

Now, I'm no relationship expert, lord knows. But I'm pretty sure this is what they call a "loaded question". There's about a million trillion different ways Jay could have answered that question. And of those millions of trillions of possibilities, Jay decides to go with the worst fucking one I can think of...

"I'd probably go with the whole girl. Because with the close up, it could totally be a hot vagina, but then it belongs to a 400 pound cow."

Well done Jay, well done. And I know I promised I wouldn't post this on the internet, but fuck it, you tried to blame your porn collection on me.