You know how most people, late at night, get a case of the munchies? Not me. I get a case of the mealies. I say "mealies" because I don't like just a couple cookies or some chips. I want food. A lot of it. I spend the next week working off the cravings I get on a Saturday at 11PM, but who cares, I love it. It's better than Christmas.
Last night I'm sitting at a friends house, and I get the mealies, bad. I decide it's time to go to McDonalds, which won the fast food decision, not because I'm a fan of McDonalds, but because it was the closest place to the house. That should be McDonald's new ad campaign, "You know we're right around the block, and you're lazy, so come on in!" On my way over there I decide to get some gas, which is already a little annoying because I didn't plan on running errands, I just wanted my food so I could get back. I start pumping my gas and go to wipe my windows. As I turn around I stumble a little bit and end up having to take a few recovery steps in order not to fall. Mind you it's late, there's no one else at any of the other pumps, but I can see the gas station attendant watching me through the window. And he's laughing. Great.
I go over to my little window wiping station thing by the pump, and there's no towels. So I walk over to the one on the adjacent pump. Nothing. I walk across the isle to a third pump, and to the one next to it. Nothing. The whole time I'm thinking Awesome, the attendant sees me almost fall and now I'm walking around the parking lot like a homeless person. Plus, at this point I'm pretty sure the paper towels are just his way of fucking with me. I'm sure it gets pretty boring working the overnight shift at some SA, he's probably got to find new ways to keep it interesting. I wonder if he gets more serious. Like, replaces the gas with sugar water. You know, just to be silly.
I finish up at the gas station and go across the street to get food. I pull up to the window after ordering and there's a sign hanging that says "We are sorry for the inconvenience, but we cannot accept debit/credit cards at this time". Oh, Jesus Christ. I never carry cash with me, all I have is my credit card. Wouldn't the fact they couldn't take cards have been important, say, when I was ordering my food? At this point, I'm more than annoyed at my trip, slowly snowballing into ridiculousness.
So I pull out of McDonlads, foodless. I'm not really sure of where I want to go next, or if I even if my mealies really need to be satisfied tonight. I just start to drive, aimlessly. After about 5 minutes I realize I have no idea where I am. I don't see any food places, or other gas stations. I don't see much of anything. No lights. Nothing. I think about turning around, but I don't really know where I came from either. I decide to just keep going, find a major road, and figure it out from there. I take a couple of turns (one U), which are fruitless at best, and 16 minutes later I finally find my way back to civilization.
Overall toll of my 5 minute food run:
3 stops
36 minutes
22 miles
38 dollars in gas and food
10 cigarettes smoked
1 partial death fall at a gas station
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
I Don't Like You Drew Stevyns
I happened to flip on America's Got Talent last night and I happened to see the final seconds of a performance by a guy named Drew Stevyns. Who the fuck does this shmuck think he is? There's only room on this planet for one person with a super cool name spelling, and it aint you. I hope you lose. Judging from last night, you will lose. The world will be set right again. Global warming will start to reverse.
Don't mess with me Drew Stevyns
Don't mess with me Drew Stevyns
Fun History for Yo Ass
I've run accross some interesting facts the last couple of days. I find it fascinating where our words come from, the etymology of our everyday expressions and customs. I find it interesting how many come from negative places in our history. For example, in the 1500's it was okay for a man to beat his wife as long as he used a stick no larger than his thumb, hence, the "rule of thumb". A couple more interesting ones from the 1500's...
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals(mice,bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be, savedby the bell or was considered a "dead ringer".
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot & then once a day it was taken & sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor". But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot. They "didn't have a pot to piss in" & were the lowest of the low.
Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath water!"
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals(mice,bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof. Hence the saying "It's raining cats and dogs."
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entrance-way. Hence: a thresh hold.
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the bacon." They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and chew the fat.
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.
England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night(the graveyard shift.) to listen for the bell; thus,someone could be, savedby the bell or was considered a "dead ringer".
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Carolyn, Carolyn, Carloyn
A conversation with my mother:
Mom: Dayve, do you want to go with us tonight?
Me: Where you goin?
Mom: Your father has a coupon to that Australian place, we're going to go get dinner.
Me: What kind of place?
Mom: Australian
Me: What do they serve? Like, Kangaroos?
Mom: No, it's Australian.
Me: What does that mean?
Dad: Dave, she's talking about Outback Steakhouse. We're going to Outback.
Jesus Christ.
Mom: Dayve, do you want to go with us tonight?
Me: Where you goin?
Mom: Your father has a coupon to that Australian place, we're going to go get dinner.
Me: What kind of place?
Mom: Australian
Me: What do they serve? Like, Kangaroos?
Mom: No, it's Australian.
Me: What does that mean?
Dad: Dave, she's talking about Outback Steakhouse. We're going to Outback.
Jesus Christ.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
FML
I was spending some time on FmyLife the other day (I have a link to it in my favorite websites below if you want to check it out). FML is a website where people write in and tell their horror stories. It’s an anonymous place for people to complain. It is really very fascinating. But it got me thinking of why it is so interesting. Some of the stories are really difficult to read because they are so personal. It’s like slashing a spotlight on a person’s biggest faults and insecurities. I couldn’t imaging wanting to share some of my stories with perfect strangers, regardless if it’s anonymous or not. But the really interesting idea to me is that by sharing these details with strangers, a sort of community is built. A place where people can go and realize they aren’t alone with their problems. I must admit after reading some of these stories, I feel better about the things that happen in my life. In this strange way, a total negative can become a positive, life affirming experience. What does that say about me? Do I take pleasure in other’s pain? I don’t think it does, it’s not like I am hoping for bad things to happen to good people. I wish bad things didn’t happen to anyone. But since they do (to EVERYONE) I am simply glad to not feel alone in that respect. It’s amazing to me, where one finds a family. A sense of belonging. A sense that everything is going to be okay.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Bernie Mac
In college, we used to watch old Def Comedy Jam's on DVD. This is one of my favorites. Bernie Mac at his best, you don't understand. Plus, he's wearing pants with his own face on them...
Monday, August 3, 2009
This Has Got To Be A Joke...
I was reading the St. Paul paper today, something I really hate to do because as a Minneapolis guy, St. Paul is just weird. Anyway, I stumbled upon this headline:
San Francisco Wins Homeless Soccer Tournament
The first thing I thought was a corny joke. They can't be suggesting that there are actually homeless people that have come together to play a national tournament, with sponsors and announcers, and hot dog stands? I mean, it's not that I am soccer-discriminating against homeless people, it's just that I would think they have a lot better things to do in a given day than play a game. I'm thinking finding food, some pocket change, and a warm place to sleep for the night may have greater significance. But that's just me. No, no, no. This article has to be about a charity for homeless people that started a soccer tournament to raise money. The headline has to be worded wrong. It has to be. Imagine my surprise...
WASHINGTON—Homeless people from across the country competed this weekend in the Street Soccer USA Cup with a team from San Francisco taking the title.
Street Soccer USA conducts soccer programs at social service agencies and homeless shelters across the country. The tournament, which began Friday, brought together 16 teams of homeless men and women.
San Francisco beat defending champion Minneapolis on Sunday in the final game of the tournament, which was held at Kastles Stadium in downtown D.C.
The top eight players in the tournament will represent the U.S. in the 48-nation Homeless World Cup, scheduled for September in Milan.
Turns out they really did pack up some of the Twin Cities finest, put em on a plane, and had them play soccer for the weekend. Not only that, but there's an international tournament! In Fucking Milan!
Now I'm just spitballing here, but let's say the cost of airfare to San Fransisco is about $400 plus accomodations (unless the organizers of the event were just like "We have to find them places to stay? They realize their homeless, right? Wouldn't they be more comfy outside, perhaps under a bridge?"), and let's say a plane ticket to Milan is $600. Couldn't that money have been better used, for say, a security deposit on an apartment? You did say they were homeless, didn't you?
I don't know, maybe soccer is a hugely popular sport among the homeless. Maybe when you're down and out you need any diversion to get you through a day, or maybe you just need to kill some time. There's just got to be a better way to spend scarce resources like money.
At least Minneapolis was the defending champion.
San Francisco Wins Homeless Soccer Tournament
The first thing I thought was a corny joke. They can't be suggesting that there are actually homeless people that have come together to play a national tournament, with sponsors and announcers, and hot dog stands? I mean, it's not that I am soccer-discriminating against homeless people, it's just that I would think they have a lot better things to do in a given day than play a game. I'm thinking finding food, some pocket change, and a warm place to sleep for the night may have greater significance. But that's just me. No, no, no. This article has to be about a charity for homeless people that started a soccer tournament to raise money. The headline has to be worded wrong. It has to be. Imagine my surprise...
WASHINGTON—Homeless people from across the country competed this weekend in the Street Soccer USA Cup with a team from San Francisco taking the title.
Street Soccer USA conducts soccer programs at social service agencies and homeless shelters across the country. The tournament, which began Friday, brought together 16 teams of homeless men and women.
San Francisco beat defending champion Minneapolis on Sunday in the final game of the tournament, which was held at Kastles Stadium in downtown D.C.
The top eight players in the tournament will represent the U.S. in the 48-nation Homeless World Cup, scheduled for September in Milan.
Turns out they really did pack up some of the Twin Cities finest, put em on a plane, and had them play soccer for the weekend. Not only that, but there's an international tournament! In Fucking Milan!
Now I'm just spitballing here, but let's say the cost of airfare to San Fransisco is about $400 plus accomodations (unless the organizers of the event were just like "We have to find them places to stay? They realize their homeless, right? Wouldn't they be more comfy outside, perhaps under a bridge?"), and let's say a plane ticket to Milan is $600. Couldn't that money have been better used, for say, a security deposit on an apartment? You did say they were homeless, didn't you?
I don't know, maybe soccer is a hugely popular sport among the homeless. Maybe when you're down and out you need any diversion to get you through a day, or maybe you just need to kill some time. There's just got to be a better way to spend scarce resources like money.
At least Minneapolis was the defending champion.
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