The IT Guys at Work are Super Helpful

Very recently, the "outgoing call" button on my phone stopped working. There is another button I can use, but for the last three years I have developed the habit of using the now broken one. So five times a day at least I forget to hit the right button and Patrick, who sits next to me, has to hear me scream "fuck!" or "fucking phone, piece of shit!" or some other derivation therof.

The best part is, when I called our IT department to have them fix the damn thing so I could go on living my life as I normally did, their answer to me was:

"Well, quit hitting that button"

Thanks guys, thanks for the help

More from Ma

Laying around the house yesterday, having a little conversation with my mother...

Me: Do you have any more gift cards you want to give me? I need some new clothes.
Ma: Like I'm gonna give you any of my gift cards, you'd probably just waste them on more gigabytes or something.

Again, I have no clue what that means. But thanks for the laughs...

Dear Abby is Kinda Dear Retarded

I'm going to try a little experiment. I was reading Dear Abby's column in the paper today, and the question she was attempting to answer really made me stop and think. Well not so much think as laugh out loud. So, I'm going to attempt to answer her reader's question in my own words. Maybe I'll call it Dayve's Corner...

First, the question...

DEAR ABBY: Our friends "Andy" and "Corinne" live out of state in Michigan. We visit them about twice a year. Our visits are planned weeks in advance. The last three times, on Saturday night they hosted a "swingers party."
The first time it happened we thought it was a joke, until the guests -- after "tossing back a few" -- started picking partners. We saw them begin to caress one another, then start going into other rooms and outside. One of the attendees came on to my wife. We informed him we're not swingers. His response? He told us it was OK to "watch" the first time or two.
Abby, we're not prudes, but we feel uncomfortable visiting these friends. We now return to our bedroom when the swingers arrive. In contrast, when Andy and Corinne come to visit us in Tennessee, we have dinner, play cards and go to church on Sunday.
We have spoken to them about this. They tell us they "keep their relationship fresh" this way. We don't want to lose them as friends, but we don't know what to do. Can you help? -- SATISFIED WITH EACH OTHER

Here's Abby's response...

DEAR SATISFIED: I'll try. Because you like Andy and Corinne every other day of the week when you visit them, schedule an outside activity -- dinner and a movie, a play -- anything that will get you out of their den of iniquity on Saturday night. Either that, or leave for home on Friday.

My Turn...

Dear Satisfied. Are you fucking stupid? Quit going over there unless, you want to watch your wife being cummed on by a team full of English Rugby players while your best friend "Andy" beats off in a corner. I mean, no one is forcing you to go to their house. So what you were friends 10 years ago, people change, they grow up, they get into 6-ways with donkeys. People are friends because they have common interests. If you don't happen to share the interest of "letting strangers bang your wife", then I suggest you move on with your life.

How'd I do?

Night at the Bar...With Steve...

I was out last night having a drink or three with the folks and some other friends. My dad, Steve, had arrived at the bar quite a bit earlier than me and was enjoying $0.21 taps of Miller Light. At the end of the night, Steve was prancing around the bar, getting people to do his tongue twister (One smart feller, he felt smart. Two smart fellers, they both felt smart. Three smart fellers, they felt smart. Four smart fellers, they all felt smart...try it). He was basically shit-faced so I aksed him if he needed a ride home.
"No, I'll find a ride"
"you sure?"
"yeah, Dan will bring me home if I need to"
"Dan is getting drunk too"
"He'll be fine"
"Let me bring you home, It'll be easier"
"Go on, I'm fine"


I walk in the door, not 10 minutes after I left. My phone rings...
"Dave, can you come get me and your brother?"

But. I. Just...shit...Be there in a minute...

Work Can Sometimes Be Worth It

I usually don't post about actual work items, but this email Patrick got must be shared...

To set up the email, Patrick has had a difficult order where non of the materials are ready and it sounds like his customer is getting fed up with the whole thing too. They have been going back and forth for a few days, with the developer of the CD only having issues, problems, and negative feedback. In every email the developer sends she starts it with "I have some good news and some bad news." The customer's final comment to Patrick...

Patrick,
Read all of Pam’s (the developer) good news bad news crap below. Do you have a solution other that doing a check disk? Or maybe you getting a master from our master and sending our master back. Blah Blah Blah
Let me and “Glass Half Full” girl know.

Thanks
Chad

Sometimes people crack me up...

The Return of my Arby's Nemesis

About 3 years ago I used to drive a Ford Thunderbird. The car has a kind of cult following in gear-head circles, so I was pretty accustomed to getting remarks about how nice it was, or asking me what kind of engine it had, the horsepower, etc. Of course my reply to all this was, "my car is shiny". What the fuck else was I supposed to say? "It's got a 4.3 liter v-8 with electro-gas struts and 200 foot pounds of torque"? I don't even know what I just said, let alone what it means.

When I was working in restaurants I would get home pretty late. Arby's was the only place open for food. I used to go there a couple times a week. There was one worker, I don't know his name, but this fuckin guy would talk my ear off about Thunderbirds for a half hour every time I drove up. I don't know if he noticed I had no clue what he was talking about. I was being polite, gently nodding my head, so maybe it was my fault. After about 3 months of this, I finally gave up. I started driving by real slow, just to see if the guy was there. If he was, I bailed. Sometimes all I wanted in the whole world was a regular-sized roast beef and I couldn't have it because of that douchebag. After a couple months, the guys car was never around (I knew what his car looked like because he told me every time I saw him. "It's that T-bird in the last spot. You should totally go check it out. I just got it painted." "Um, I'm good. Can I just have my horsey sauce and get the fuck out of here? It's 2 a.m.").

I was so happy.

Fast forward three years, yup, I said three years. I go to the drivethrough window the other day and who do you suppose is staring right back at me...

"Hey, I remember you. Didn't you used to drive a red Thunderbird? (His memory is actually quit impressive, which makes me wonder why he is back at Arby's. My guess is he was in some kind of road-racing indident, crashed, and has spent the last three years rehabbing. Dreaming about the day he can again be making delicious, piping hot roast beef).
"yeah, but it's long gone by now"
"Oh really? whatcha drivin now?" He looks out the little pick up window and checks out the new ride.
"It's a Neon"
"Oh. I guess that's cool. Here's your sandwich."

I think my arch nemesis, from his drivethrough window, just called me a loser.

One of the Stupidest Things I've Ever Done

I was just bumming around on itunes, listening to things I haven't heard in a while. For some reason I decided to purchase Bubba Sparxxx's album Dark Days, Bright Nights, which in itself is a pretty stupid fucking thing to do. I mean, it's Bubba Sparxxx. He spells his name with 3 X's, get it? He was kinda popular for 3 months back in 2001, and then again for 3 weeks in 2003.

It gets worse

I go downstairs and look at some old CD's, and what do I see, staring me right in the face? The copy of Dark Days Bright Nights I bought when I was 20.

For those of you keeping score. I just bought a semi-stupid album that I already owned.

It's almost like I hate my money and want to punish it

Everwood

Most people think I am crazy for liking this show, and really it's a cheezy family drama for the most part. But I got into the show as a way to hang out with my mom, and for some reason it stuck with me. Only the first season of the show is released on DVD, and tragically, there are no plans to release the other seasons despite a large cult following.

So I am relegated to watching small clips on Youtube in order to get my fix. I have so many favorite scenes from the show, but one in particular always gives me a good perspective on people. Please ignore my girl tendancies as I share with you...

Obama at the All-star Game

I was watching the all-star game out of the corner of my eye, and they were interviewing our Senator from Illinois come President. Something he said really caught my ear.

"[Being in St. Louis] is the closest I've been to home in a while."

It kinda gave me a new perspective on the job he has to do. Always working, always on the move. For us. The man can't even be in a place where he can feel at home most of the time. He is just a man after all, comforted by the same things you or I are comforted by. There's nothing like the feeling of being in your own bed, surrounded by walls that are so familar.

I think about my life, and how much I would miss the people and places around my town if I had to stay away. Now, I know he's the President and he can take a vacation pretty much anytime he wants. But he doesn't. For us.

Beautiful Girls

It's another lazy work day, not much going on except my struggle for sanity...

Days like today are a good day to remember. To think of the things in your life that matter. A kind of "reset" button in case you have strayed down a path that is wholly unfamiliar.

Today, I have been thinking alot about love. Not just love, but everything that goes with it: lust, trust, respect, admiration, sadness, anger, just to name a few. These emotions often get mixed and jumbled to the point you don't know which way is up. And you certainly don't have the ability to save yourself from getting caught up in "feeling". At least I don't.

But then I re-read a quote from a favorite movie of mine that put a lot of how I was feeling into perspective. From the film "Beautiful Girls"...

A beautiful girl can make you dizzy, like you've been drinking Jack and Coke all morning. She can make you feel high with the single greatest commodity known to man--promise. Promise of a better day. Promise of a greater hope. Promise of a new tomorrow. This particular aura can be found in the gaze of a beautiful girl. In her smile, in her soul, how she makes every rotten little thing about life seem like it's going to be okay.

Maybe there really isn't hope for us afterall...

Idiots and Their Cars

For my lunch break, I took a trip over to the local gas station to pick up a sandwich. I was waiting in line behind a rather large man, with disheveled shoulder-length hair, wearing sweatpants, a Nascar tank top, and some crocs.

I could probably stop the story here, but it gets better…

The man is talking to the rather annoyed girl behind the counter…

“I think there’s something wrong with my car”

“really?”

“yeah, it started makin a huge noise when I parked. I probably should get it checked out at a garage, but who’s got the money for that, huh?”

The counter girl looks at me “Can I help who’s next”

I finish my transaction and go outside to my car, which is parked next to the large gentleman’s 1986 Ford Explorer. Hanging off the bottom of his car is the entire drive train (for you car illiterates, I understand it to be the metal pole running through the middle of the car, connecting the front and real axles). The guy starts to back up and the sound of the metal on the ground sounds like someone trying to move a dumpster in a thunderstorm. Geez guy, you think there’s a noise coming from your car?

One mechanic from the oil change place across the street comes barreling out at the guy, trying to get him to quit driving. He’s screaming and waiving his arms, but the guy can’t hear him over his piece of shit car.

Suddenly the explorer stops, the guy gets out of his car, and says to me “I can’t get the wheels to turn, what’s going on here?” As if to say I somehow sabotaged his car for my own personal gain.

At this point, the mechanic catches up with the guy and tells him to look under his car. At which point the large man says, and I shit you not about this,

“I could still drive it home though couldn’t I?”

Oh Jesus Christ

Russell Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Now, I don’t really like Russell Brand. In Fact, I kinda hate him. He’s obnoxious, he dresses stupid, above all else, for a comedian he’s not really funny. But the more I watch Forgetting Sarah Marshall on permanent replay this month on HBO, the more I laugh out loud at Brand’s Aldous Snow. Some of my favorite lines…

Matthew (Jonah Hill): I have a question for you real quick. What did you think of my demo? Did you get it?
Aldous Snow: I was gonna listen to that, but then, um, I just carried on living my life.

[after spilling cranberry juice on his shirt Sarah just bought him, which he hates] “Oh God, please take my eyes, but not the shirt!”

“I mean, I've heard that women do fake orgasms, but I've never seen it... It really, deeply upset me“.

Sarah Marshall: I hate your music.
Aldous Snow: Yeah well, I fucked the housekeeper the other day.

[To Peter, Sarah’s ex-boyrfriend] “How you served five years under her, I don't know. You deserve a medal, or a holiday or at least a cuddle from somebody.It’s like being on holiday with, well I shouldn’t say Hitler, oh gurbles, it was like a little holiday with Hitler.

[holding a single sandal] I've lost a shoe... have you seen it anywhere? Excuse me, missus, I've lost a shoe... like this one. It's like this one's fellow... it's sort of the exact opposite in fact of that - not an evil version but just, you know, a shoe like this... but for the other foot.

And I Guess, since I’m doing this. I have some other lines from the movie I love…
　
Kemo: Are those sad tissues or happy tissues?

Surfing Instructor: If you get bitten by a shark, you're not just gonna give up surfing, are you?
Peter Bretter: Yeah, probably.

Dwayne the Bartender: He turned down a blow job from his ex-girlfriend... mid-blowjob. You know how hard that is for a man? It's called blue balls. He's like Gandhi! But better - he likes puppets!

Matthew[on the phone at the restaurant] Well I would love to sell you some weed, Jeremy, but I'm at my fucking job right now. Obviously, because you called me at work, you know that I'm at my place of work, so I can't just leave here and sell you some weed. I can sell you some weed when I'm done.

Kemo: [after Peter kills the luau pig] You can stop crying now. He's dead already.
Peter Bretter: I'm not crying. You should stop crying.
Kemo: I don't cry. I'm not a baby.
Peter Bretter: Really? Because you look like a gigantic baby. I'm sorry, I didn't mean that at all.

Brian: What's up with that hat... what are you in the Buena Vista Social Club?
Peter Bretter: This is a nice hat.
Brian: What member of the brat pack are you? You look like one of those guys suspected of killing JFK.
　
　
And possibly the best quote from the whole movie…

Darald: [To his wife]You have Christ between your thighs... only with a shorter beard.

Music Video: Sorrow

This stop motion video is pretty cool, I mean, its got a squirrel/Beaver/Rat thing singing a sad song. I love the music, I love the video, so I share with you my dear friends...