Out to Philly...

So, I'm sitting on the plane, about halfway into a flight to Chicago for a stopover on my way to Philly. I finished my bottled soda about 10 minutes ago and the bev cart comes by. I usually just get the bottled stuff before my flights, I hate those little soda cups the give you on a plane. They fill it with ice and put in a thimble-full of liquid. Then you got to sit there with a pussy little cup like a sucker, and you have to keep that stupid fucking tray table in your lap. I take one sip and go to set the cup down (...this next part is in slow motion...) and instead dump the thing all over my lap. Of course you can't stand up right away, because you can't really stand up at all anyway. You have no choice but to let the soda soak into the crotch of your jeans. I'm frantically trying to keep all the liquid that has spilled onto my tray table with one tiny little napkin. My boss, who's sitting next to me, is cracking up. She flags a flight attendant down and asks for some more napkins. The flight attendant looks at her and says "Did you do that to him?". Bosslady says "he did that to himself".

Here I am, pants completely drenched. I'm now trying to get all the soda out with a napkin army the flight attendant has provided, presumably because she now knows that I'm a moron and feels bad for me. I don't think the napkins are helping, in fact they are pushing the liquid down into my boxers, which are wet to begin with. I'm pretty sure at this point, not only will I have to walk around O'Hare looking like I pissed myself, but my balls are going to get moldy, fall off, and nobody will ever love me again. I actually say the following lines in my head. I wonder if I loose my balls, would the rest of it look bigger or smaller? Plus, now the pilot has turned on the fasten seatbelt sign so I can't go to the bathroom to do anything about my future castration. I mean, fuck! If this is going to be the last time I get to make love to myself, then I'm going out as part of the mile-high club.

The plane lands, I walk around for the next hour covering my junk with my jacket. God, I am really starting to hate airplanes...