There's a Reason I know I Had 18 Items In My Basket

I was at the local grocery establishment yesterday, I only shop for myself so I usually carry around a basket instead of going full cart. At the store they have these self check-out lanes that people can use. I was in line, waiting for my turn, and this lady in back of me starts complaining to me.

“These lines are express lanes, you can’t have 30 items in these lines.”
“Really?” I say, “because there’s no sign that says they're express lanes. Look at that isle right there, it has a sign for express in big lights. And besides, I only have 18 items.”

Fuck you lady.

Get Out of My Head

I used to think that singer Ke$ha was kinda hot in a bat-shit crazy-praying-mantis, fuck-you-then-kill-you, sort of way. But then I saw pictures of her ass, and then she looked like Derek Zoolander posing with "blue steel" for the camera at the MTV music awards. And then I heard her music, and then saw pictures of her frolicking on a beach, looking completely below average with huge shoulders. So, I’m going to go on record and say she is lame and should go away.

Anyone who doesn’t like butter underneath their jelly on a PB&J is just an idiot. I mean, it’s right there in the name. Peanut, butter, and jelly. Butter should also make an appearance on top of all toast, with or without jelly. People that eat dry toast are the lowest form of person. The same goes for people that don’t like mustard on their grilled cheese. Those people should die.

And speaking of jelly. The guy who invented the upside down squeeze bottle with the long, thin opening, is just a fucking genius. He turned a boring task into a chance for art. Every time I get the jelly out in perfect long rows I feel like I just painted the Sistine chapel. I feel like I just decorated the perfect cake on Ace of Cakes. It’s truly a testament to man’s ingenuity. Fuck the iPad.

I love it when I find gas stations that sell Twix ice cream bars. I fucking love those things. I love the little cookie balls mixed with the caramel. A close second is the Snickers ice cream bars, but most places sell those. The absolute worst is when you go into a place that only sells the Snickers ice cream cones. Those things are a fucking joke. If I wanted a cone I’d buy a Drumstick for Christ sakes. Those kind of gas stations really bother me. I purposely avoid them at all costs. Even if I only need to get gas, I’ll drive 5 miles out of my way to one that sells the bars. And when I drive by those cone-serving retards, I flick my cigarette butt at them.

The Brawny man is what is wrong with America. I saw a commercial the other day and the Brawny paper towel guy, who used to be a burly bearded guy, is now a clean shaven 24 year old mountain man. I can only imagine that the people at Brawny thinks this re-design will help them appeal to house moms the world over. Somehow sex will sell those paper towels.

Advantage Dayve

As a diabetic, I try and use my terminal disease to my advantage every chance I get. And why shouldn’t I? YOU don’t have to stick yourself with needles or have to skip dessert. So fuck off if you don’t like it.

In high school I got to show up to class late because I was “in the nurses office getting Tang” for my low blood sugars. I wasn’t really at the nurse, and I had no intention of seeing her. But I got a free tardy pass for life, so I was going to use it. If a meeting at work runs a little long, you can bet I’m going to duck out to “go get a snack before I pass out.”

An unexpected bonus I've discovered is with my sugar tablets I have to carry with me at all times, in case my blood sugars get low for real. These tablets come in a round tube, similar to the size and girth of a roll of quarters. I carry this tube around in my front pocket all the time. So now, if a girl were to say, look down to check out the goods, she'd probably get an eye full. It’s like I’m constantly stuffing my shorts. Awesome.

Although, if I ever did get to make out with said girl, she'd most likely be disappointed…